Eurovision 2022 is Finally Here

Friends, it’s tomorrow! Eurovision 2022: the night Laurel waits for every year since she first discovered this magical event in 2008, and John tolerates, secretly enjoying it despite himself. No? Really? Ok, fine. This musical extravaganza is hard to describe, but we’ll try, because it is that important to the future of civilisation. Begun in 1956 to celebrate and promote European unity, it has boasted such winners as ABBA, Celine Dion, and Katrina and the Waves (to mention only those mostly likely to be familiar to people who don’t listen to Europop). Even Bonnie Tyler was a contestant once, for the UK in 2013. The contest has grown over time, from the initial seven competitors to 40, and over length (there are now semi-finals). There was even a Rachel McAdams and Will Ferrell film about it, which included 2014 winner Conchita Wurst. If you have not seen the film, which appeared early in the pandemic, it’s not a bad introduction.

Here’s the deal

Each of the ‘European’ countries (which include Israel and, as of 2015, Australia) submits a song. Entrants show up to the host city in May each year. The songs range from pretty darn good to unspeakably dreadful, though it’s not always clear which is which. Performances and costumes are similarly over the top, often with smoke and flashing lights. Some acts aim for a pan-European sound, while others sing in their native languages and/or incorporate national folk music traditions. Some countries send already-famous acts, and some send brand new talent. Each country has a slightly different process for picking the national contestant. The 2018 winner, Netta’s “Toy,” gives you an excellent feel for the genre as a whole, besides being one of the most fabulous things ever. 

Voting is done by country, with each country that is not performing awarding points to its top picks: 12, 10, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, and 1 (the more points the better). There is often some regional bias here, with neighbours either sticking together, or not. A second set of points is awarded by a set of five judges and, since 1997, viewers could also call in votes (but not for the country in which they are located). And, since the creation of semifinals, the ‘big five’, countries who put the most money into the contest, always have a spot in the finals, as is the previous year’s winner. The remaining twenty slots are chosen over two days of semifinals, ten each day (except this year, when Italy is both last year’s winner and one of the biggest investors, so 10 and 11 have been chosen). Confused? Not to worry – it doesn’t matter all that much, and you will still love everything about this. (Unless you hate it.)

Host countries

Hosting the event is famously ruinous; for at least fifteen years jokes about the expense have featured in the programme itself, and there is a brilliant Father Ted episode from 1996 in which Ireland (which had won for three of the previous four years) decides to submit Father Ted and Dougal’s song “My Lovely Horse” to ensure they do not win again.  Tragically, this wasn’t Ireland’s real song, and they won again in 1996.

Eurovision 2022

This year, thanks to retirement, Laurel has done her homework and studied up on the entrants, even watching the semifinals for the first time. (Not the only reason she retired, but not unimportant…) Ukraine is a favourite, and the UK (a regular underdog) is also receiving some attention. Moldova is always entertaining, and this year is no exception. But let’s be honest, Norway’s entrant is a real show-stopper:

“The Sound of Beauty” is this year’s theme. What that means is not exactly clear (no doubt all will be revealed?). In any case, you will certainly want to grab a screen and some snacks for the ‘biggest musical event in the world’, airing this Saturday 14 May, 21:00 BST (five hours earlier EDT). Here’s how to watch. And you’re welcome.